Why Penelope Couldn't Nurse

Yesterday, I started typing up this blog post and by the time I stopped to take a breath, it was almost book length.  It is far too much information for one blog post.  I really think our full story deserves to be told in book form.  How that is going to happen, I am not sure, but a girl can dream.


I want to finally wrap up our saga, in honor of World Breastfeeding Week.  I want to tell you about exactly what the physical issues we had, that created the perfect storm of our EXTREME breastfeeding problems.


You can read the back story here:
Make Your Boobs a Happy Place
What To Do If Your Baby Won't Nurse


These were our problems, in a nutshell:

• I have flat nipples.  Not totally inverted, but flat.
• Penelope was severely tongue tied. 
• She had TMJ on the right side of her jaw, from her Atlas vertebrae being out.  The misalignment of her Atlas vertebrae caused all the muscles in her neck and jaw to tighten and spasm.  It was painful for her to lay on her side and it was painful for her open her mouth.   I am still not sure how her Atlas vertebrae got out of alignment.  It's either from when I fell on the stairs, 2 weeks before my due date, and landed on my sacrum, or from her being head down and engaged in my pelvis for a long time, she was head down and ready to go, months before she came out.  And she was kind of coming in at a quirky angle.  Sometimes, Atlas vertebra's can be pulled out of alignment from trauma in the birth canal (ie. being yanked out with forceps or vacuum suction), but we had a peaceful, water birth, so I am convinced it happened at some point in the womb.

Here's what I did to fix the problems:

• flat nipples:  If flat nipples were our only problem, the pinching to latch technique, pumping to draw out nipples, nipple extractor and nipple shield would have worked, I am sure.
• tongue tie: She had one frenotomy at 6 days old, and another deeper cut at 8 weeks.  I never got a 100% clear answer from our pediatrician or the ENT we saw, but after reading mountains of information on posterior tongue tie, I am convinced that is what Penelope had.
• TMJ/Atlas:  This one was the tough one, it took me almost 3 weeks to even figure out that she had TMJ, then another week to get to the right chiropractor that knew what he was doing.  First, we went to an Acupuncture Dr,  a Chiropractor, then an energy healer.  The energy healer told us to go to a cranial sacral therapist, he told us to go to another cranial sacral therapist who also does physical therapy and energy healing.  When we went to her, she also did work on expanding her palate.  Penelope had a narrow and small palate and she wasn't getting the sensory she needed from the top of her mouth to suck properly. That therapist, told us to go to a certain Chiropractor that specializes in Atlas vertebrate issues.  When we got to that Chiropractor, he took x-rays and sure enough it was out.  He adjusted her one time and fixed it for her. We go back every six months to check it and it's always fine.  He also taught me massage techniques to relax the muscles of the jaw and work on fixing her TMJ.  Since I am an LMT, I did this myself, but if I wasn't, I would have taken her to an LMT for this as well. 
• To help her get back to the breast:  After we did everything, got her tongue tie and TMJ fixed,  then we went to an Acupuncture Dr. who also does cranial sacral therapy, once a week for several months.   We worked on strengthening and coordinating her suck, relaxing her jaw muscles, creating a positive association with my breast and even my milk.  We also went to a speech language therapist that specialized in infant sucking disorders.  She also taught me techniques, to strengthen her muscles and tone, to help her nurse, but to also make sure she didn't have any speech delays from not nursing (nursing develops proper jaw and tongue muscles for later speech development) and from her tongue tie.
  

Throughout all this, we went to several IBCLC's as well.  I never tallied up the cost of all these appointments, I am too afraid to know.  I don't care what anyone says, breastfeeding is not free!


The biggest lesson I would like others to take from this, is that if your baby is not nursing, even with help from an IBCLC, and going to a cranial sacral therapist (usually if nothing is physically wrong but baby and mama had a rough birth or had to deal with some booby traps from the get go, cranial sacral therapy can get things back on track), something is wrong.  Go to a chiropractor right away.  I did take her to one within the first two weeks, but he was a total quack.  You must find one that specializes in children and cervical vertebrae issues.


Ok, so I hope that helps.  While I wait for a for magical book agent to appear in my life, please email me with any questions you have, or comment below.  If you are having trouble with breastfeeding, I will stop everything I am doing to help you.

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I’m celebrating World Breastfeeding Week with Natural Parents Network!
You can, too — link up your breastfeeding posts from August 1-7 in the linky below, and enjoy reading, commenting on, and sharing the posts collected here and on Natural Parents Network.

(Visit NPN for the code to place on your blog.)

HUTH and PPD

HUTH is code for Hanging Up the Horns. I had no idea what this acronym meant until I became an Exclusive Pumper, also known as an EPer.

Never in a million years, would I have guessed that this would be the card I was dealt. For me, not being able to breastfeed like normal, was like a death. It has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life, and I have been through some shit.  It killed me.  I have talked about it here on the blog, in pieces, but it is still so raw for me. 

I like to think, as I look back over the past 18 months and this EPing journey, that I was able to keep post-partum depression (PPD) at bay. But it's so hard to see clearly, when you are still in the deep, dark, belly of your experience, that I am not entirely convinced I succeeded. Am I out? Am I on the way out? Am I still on the way in??

Throughout the past 18 months, I have felt the presence of PPD.  My family has a history of mental illness, so my awareness has always been heightened of whether something was "wrong" with me or not.  In fact, in the same week my dad dropped me off to college, I made an appointment with a physiologist and said: "look just tell me if I am bi-polar, tell me if something is wrong. I will do whatever it takes, whatever drug, I don't care, just tell me straight."  After talking to me, he realized, that no, I was not in fact bi-polar, just highly traumatized from having a mother who was.

But even after his reassuring words and almost 15 years of various therapies, I still hunt my emotions. Every single one, I stalk and analyze and self reflect.  I do not let one pass by or accumulate.  I find that I have a lot more power and choice in the matter.  If I feel a wave of depression coming in, trying to drown me, trying to suffocate me, I can either give in and let it wash over and take over. Or I can fight it.  I realize that everyone's experience is different and that not everyone has the mental/emotional ability to "fight" it, this has just been my experience.

And so, over the past 18 months, PPD has sat in the corner of every room of my house.  Some days it's just a tiny spec of dust, others, it's an enormous monster.  Either way, I beat it off with a stick, every. single. day.  I do it for Penelope.  I will not be so selfish to wallow in my own self pity and not be able to be emotionally present for her. I will not collapse under the pressure of it all, so that she has no stable ground to rely on.  I will go the places that are uncomfortable for me to face, so that I can be a good mother for  her.

I am not saying I never cry or I never feel like I am going to loose it, but I have managed, by being very, very diligent, aware, and hard working, to keep my shit together.  And by hard working, I mean having the courage to be and stay in therapy and always owning up to my crap.

But back to the point of the story.  I have hung up my horns.  I am done pumping.  I pumped for almost 19 months and now I am done.  That part of my life is over.  Crazy.

It's been over two weeks since I last pumped, and still my pump sits next to me.  I can't bare to put it away.  This pump has gone everywhere I have gone.  I have pumped in the craziest of places.  But mostly I pumped at the kitchen table, with my lap top in front of me, while Penelope napped.

This pump became apart of our family.  It's place in the fourth chair at our table. Never moving, always constant.  Looking back at all the time I spent pumping, I don't even know how I functioned.  I am not sure I even want any more babies, because I can't go through this again.

It all happened very naturally, my goal was to absolutely make it to 18 months and then try to get to 24 months.   But then, all of a sudden, Penelope stopped asking for her post nap time bottle and instead asked for water.  I also happened to have a bunch of things to do that didn't involve sitting at a computer.  So the next day, I skipped a pump. And then the day after that.  Before I knew it,  a week had gone by.  She still has not asked for her bubba once.

I will continue comfort nursing her for as long as she wants.  Even if she is 5 before she fully weans.
I have also been hand expressing about an ounce every day and spoon feeding it to her. She gets at least several ounces from me, in a 24 hour period, from comfort nursing, but I need to at least see one ounce come out of me for my sanity. I consider it part of her daily vitamin regimen now! She also gets about two ounces of thawed frozen breast milk a day in her fruit smoothie.  I wish she would get more milk, but it's comforting to know that in just one tablespoon of breast milk contains over 3 million germ killing cells in it.

Make Your Boobs a Happy Place

I recently have been asked by some readers to explain what I did to get Penelope to comfort nurse at 5 months.

Here is Penelope latched on nursing for the first time since she was a newborn.  The day before she turned 5 months old. 


I am STILL not ready to tell our story in full detail, I attempted to last night and started crying and could feel the anxiety rising, so I put it away for yet, another day.

But I really feel the need, to at least tell this part of the story, in case it can help just one Mama going through something similar.

I feel like I could pass the damn IBCLC exam after all the research I have done and professionals we have worked with.  That said,  I can't promise that anything I recommend will work or that it will be all inclusive.  This is simply things we did and what helped us. 

If your baby will not breastfeed click on this KellyMom.com link.  Read it in its entirety.  Then read it again.  Then call an IBCLC.  If you have already seen an IBCLC with no success, call another one.

And while you are trying to get your baby to nurse, you must also focus on protecting your supply.  I like the word protecting, because that is really what you are doing. Your milk is your babies birth right, and even though the stars aligned for your baby to not be able to nurse, you can still breastfeed. So this is really your priority.  THEN you can start working on making your boobs a happy place.  You must pump like a crazy person to maintain a perfect supply.  Pump as many times as your baby would be nursing, I am talking 10 to 12 times in a 24 hour period, if you have newborn.  And try to simulate cluster feeding in the evenings as well, just like a newborn.  It's a shitty card you have been dealt, I know, but putting in lots of hard work in the beginning to establish and protect your supply will be worth it for your long term breastfeeding goals. Exclusive pumping, or EPing, just gets easier and easier. You can do it.

Here is KellyMom's page about exclusive pumping and here is a link to the yahoo group of the most amazing group of women, who are all exclusive pumping and not by choice, they are a WEALTH of information.  Without them, I would have not made it this far.

Ok, NOW, you can start reading my post!  :)

Make your boobs a happy place.

I'm serious, make them a HAPPY, HAPPY place for your baby.   This is your numero uno priority and the very first step in getting your baby to latch.  Penelope stopped latching on at all about 3.5 weeks.  It was because not only was she frustrated she wasn't getting any milk and she was in physical pain, I was beyond stressed every time I tried to nurse her.

She developed a negative association with nursing, to the point that she didn't even want to be held in a cradle position. 

I would get into a full on panic even thinking about the next feeding time.   As I picked her up and got her in position, my heart would race or I would hold my breath in sheer terror of what was to come.  When she wouldn't latch, my heart would sink into my stomach and I would feel devastated, rejected and so, so sad.  Then the tears would come and I would literally beg her to nurse. My boobs were anything but a happy place for her.  They were actually painful to me as well.  I can't even begin to describe what it feels like to have huge breasts full of milk and not be able to nurse your baby.  The pain was not only emotional it was physical.   I know she felt everything I was feeling.

Our biggest turning point at 12 weeks, was working with an IBCLC from New York through Skype sessions, and making my boobs a happy place, was the main thing she taught me.

The second your baby cries or makes a stressed face, or you start to panic or stress, STOP trying to nurse.  Redirect her, comfort her in any way you can and come back to later when you both are calm and happy.

Think of it as if you are "pouring" your love into them.  And if you are not in a loving, happy mood, you are "pouring" poisen into them...and our babies are smart, they don't want to drink no stinkin poison.

One of the most helpful things I learned to be able to stay in a mental "happy" place, no matter if Penelope was making any progress or not, was taught to me by a dear friend and energy healer.  I asked her if I should just give up trying to get Penelope to nurse (again this was around 12 weeks).  I asked her if I should just focus on pumping and stop trying, because the trying and rejection were so hard on me, I couldn't take it anymore.  She told me, instead of looking at it in black or white, as in Try or Not Try, to look for the gray, softer alternative-The Middle Road.  At that point, I stopped trying at every. single. feeding. and instead only tried when I felt a "calling" or felt that the moment was perfect. 

She also told me to unconditionally love my daughter and to let her choose her own life's path.  She told me, that it was Penelope's choice not to nurse, for whatever reason this is what she needs and wants and I needed to honor her path.  

This helped me to un-attach the from the outcome and know that if she never nursed, it wasn't my fault. 

I would keep trying, but I was no longer desperate.  I was at peace, at least at more peace than before and this eliminated any stress or pressure I was putting on Penelope to nurse.

Once I realized I needed to get Penelope to have a positive association first and foremost , I stopped actively trying to get Penelope to latch and I focused on these things:

1. Wearing her in a sling or wrap with no top on.  So she was getting skin to skin with no pressure of having to latch.

2. I took a bath with her every night.  I didn't try to latch her, I just bathed her, held her, massaged her and just enjoyed her.  To this day, those moments in the bath are my most treasured.  It was a time where all I had "to do" was enjoy my baby.
Taking a bath kills two birds with one stone, because its great skin to skin time, which will help your supply, but also its just a lovely thing to do with your baby.  In the bath, with the water and all the skin to skin, her rooting reflex is stronger.  Lay baby on your chest and don't offer the nipple.  Just lay her there and let her smell you and see what she does.  She may bob her head up and down. That is the first thing they do when they are starting to root.  Just see what she does, even if she bobs  her head up and down, don't offer.  See if she will try and find the nipple herself.  Everything I am suggesting to do, requires the patience of a zen master on your part.  Be happy with any little progress she makes and focus on the good. Later on once you have made the nipple and boob a happy place, you can start to offer your nipple in the bath. And don't forget to give her lots of positive reinforcement.

3. Play games with her at the breast and give her lots of positive reinforcement.  I would hold her in a cradle position with my boob out and her head resting on my boob or just being near by.  Then I would hold my boob so that my nipple was kind of tickling her cheek or mouth and smile big and say "yay! Penelope!"    Or I would have a clutching toy for her to look at while I had her in a cradle or side lying position, and we would just play "in position" and that helped let her guard down about being "in position".  I would also use the toy to get her to turn her head towards my nipple.  When she did turn her head towards me I would say "yay! Penelope!"
Before I could get her to be held in a cradle position, I would do this laying down next to her, or sometimes even on top of her on all fours, and let my boobs just kind of dangle and I would sing songs and smile. I would do anything I could think of, to make her smile while my boob was near by.  It was EXHAUSTING.
Remember to only do this when she is totally happy, fed, new diaper, not tired etc.


Ok, so that is basically it, as far as making your boob a happy place.  I have a million other tips and techniques to help baby latch, but making your boos a happy place is where you need to start before you try anything else.  So muster all the patience you have and do this first.


Good luck!  And please, email me if you have any questions.  I am always happy to help.