Burnt Out

{Mama's Musings; a Monday tradition. Or at least, trying to be a tradition}

I am feeling very burnt out these days. And I am not sure why exactly. It's easy to blame the baby and say I am just exhausted (which I am), but I think it's more than that. I feel like I am running on empty and not just in the sleep sense. I have not done anything for myself in almost 9 months. Well, I take that back. I have gone to the bookstore by myself, for an hour. Once. I have gone to the movies, for two hours. Once. I have had a couple of pedicures, but have taken Penelope with me. I work out twice a week, but it's with Penelope. I have gotten several massages, and they have gotten the job done of taking the physical pain away in my neck and back, but they are not the same anymore- in a relaxing way. During the massage, I am still in the house with Penelope and can hear her if she is fussing while Peter is taking care of her, so the entire time, I am itching to get off the table and tend to her. And it's not that I want to be away from her either, because when I have gone to the bookstore or movies, thinking that is what I needed, was to just get away for a bit. I ache to be back with her. I miss her ridiculously.

Everything I do is for someone else. Whether I am cooking or cleaning or caring for Penelope. My life right now is all about service to others. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I feel like its been way too long since I have had anyone take care of me. Peter, my husband, helps out at the house a lot, but still something feels not quite right. I am not sure what I am even craving. I thought I really just wanted to go see a movie but when I did that, it didn't help. In fact, it stressed me out more than not seeing one. For one reason, like I mentioned already, I miss Penelope too much to be gone for several hours and two the amount of effort it took to coordinate me going to see a movie, in between nursing to sleep and pumping times, at time that Peter was available to watch Penelope, that my friends were both available to go, and find a time a stinkin' movie was playing that fit in that schedule, was insane. I would rather just not see a dang movie for all that effort.

Maybe its a yoga class I need? I haven't' been to a class since I was pregnant. I practice at home, in spurts, again mostly with Penelope, but its. not. the. same. Maybe its going to church? I have only been to Mass a couple of times this year. Ok, two times. And one was Penelope's Baptism, and there wasn't even Mass at that! The other, you guessed it, was Easter. My Priest recently sent us a letter, asking if there was a health problem he should know about to add to his prayers (a.k.a. why the heck are you not in church?) Does having a baby count as a health problem?

I remember a conversation I had with a mentor of mine, a few years ago, when I was so burnt out from running the yoga studio. She gave me a breathing meditation, in which on each exhalation I was to send my breath back to myself and give myself some energy and love. Maybe I will give that a try.

I don't want to alarm anyone, I am not on the brink of a meltdown or anything, its just this little itch that something is missing and I can't quite put my finger on it!

What do you think? What is something you do to restore your soul?