Unconditional Parenting: Chapter 5, Pushed to Succeed

Here are some of my favorite quotes from this chapter:

"As the psychoanalyst Erich Fromm once lamented, "Few parents have the courage and independence to care more for their children's happiness than for their success."

"Obviously, there's nothing wrong with being proud of our kids.  But when the bragging seems excessive-when its too intense, or too frequent, or starts up too quickly-it's possible that the parent's identity is a little too wrapped up in the child's accomplishments."

"There's a huge difference between a student whose objective is to get a good grade and a student whose objective is to solve a problem or understand a story.  What's more, the research suggests that when kids are encouraged to focus on getting better marks in school, three things tend to happen: They lose interest in the learning itself, they try to avoid tasks that are challenging, and they're less likely to think deeply and critically."

"The more we want our children to (1) be lifelong learners, genuinely excited about words and numbers and ideas, (2) avoid sticking with what's easy and safe, and (3) become sophisticated thinkers, the more we should do everything possible to help them forget about grades.  Better yet, we'd want to encourage teachers and principals to minimize (or even eliminate) the use of grades."

"Some parents don't offer money for straight A's; instead, they pay off their kids with affection and approval.  In effect, they're using their love as a lever to get their kids to succeed-to the point that their children may come to feel as though their parents' positive feelings for them rise and fall with grade point average."

"The research overwhelmingly showed that competition holds people back from working or learning their best."

"To the contrary, people who know they're loved irrespective of their accomplishments often end up accomplishing quite a lot.  Being accepted without conditions helps them to develop a healthy confidence in themselves, a sense that it's safe to take risks and try new things.  From deep contentment comes the courage to achieve."