Penelope's First BIRTHday!

I don't know where to even begin.  I kind of feel like I am in a haze.  How did a year go by?  How did I get here already?

I started crying yesterday when everyone was singing Happy Birthday to Penelope at Baby Time at the library, like a dork.  I couldn't help it.  I have never sung Happy Birthday to her before, it's her very first birthday. Ever.

I am not sure why exactly her birthday has me so emotional.  I know that I have so much more wonderful things to look forward to, but it also feels like a door closing.  The end of her babyhood.  Her babyhood, that I will never, ever get back. 

Someone once told me that post partum lasts three years, and one of the reasons it lasts that long is because it actually takes three years to process the event of giving birth and transforming into being a mother.  When your baby arrives, the old you dies, and a new you ascends from the ashes.  Pieces of the old you may still be there, but they are buried deep, gestating for the next phase your life when they may come back to serve you.  The new you, may still look like you, but you are different and you can never go back.  It can take some time getting used to wearing your new mama shoes, they may feel funny at first, but eventually you get comfortable in them and get your stride back, even if you are not the same person.

Penelope has changed so much this year, and so have I.  I have come such a long way as far as cooking and nutrition goes, among other things. I still have much to learn, but I am proud of the new me.  I can't believe I used to be a vegetarian and that I used to think that was the "healthy" way to eat and that by being a vegetarian I was being environmentally responsible!  I look back at the vegetarian I was in college, and think "what a silly girl!!"  Not trying to nock vegetarians, just noting that my diet is one the biggest things that has changed so much.  If you are vegetarian, please check out  the Weston A. Price Foundation.

I never thought I would do EC, or not do a single vaccination (I thought I would do selective and delayed, but once I laid eyes on Penelope, I knew I didn't want a needle to come near her, ever.)

I thought that Penelope's birth would require me to muster all the survival skills and courage I had within me, I never realized that it would be her post partum, her baby hood, that would require those things from me.  I can not believe I have pumped for an entire year.  I hope to go another year, at minimum another 6 months.

This year has been the happiest/hardest year of my life.  I can't believe a year has gone by.  Just one year ago I was pushing her out and pulling her up into my arms.  I am thankful beyond words that I was able to stay home this year and just be with my daughter and not miss a single moment.

I wonder what the next year will bring.  Year 2 of post partum land.   Maybe Penelope will sleep through the night before she turns 2?  A Mama can dream.

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY PENELOPE!!  My beautiful, beautiful girl.

Here are some birth and brand new post partum pictures:

One More Day of Baby

I just got done baking my baby a cake.  I have one more day of having a baby. 

This time last year,  I was having a very lazy, relaxed day.  The most I remember from that day, is taking a long walk.  I remember I could hear every little noise in the woods on my walk, every squirrel and bird, every rustle of the leaves and trees.  Everything seemed bright.   My awareness seemed to be heightened.  At the same time, I had given up on waiting and my awareness of waiting had gone away. I forgot that I could go into labor at any moment. The previous few days, I was very preoccupied with when labor was going to start.  On this day, the day labor began, I wasn't thinking about it at all.

A few days before, on Saturday we went to Calvary, Ga for Mule Day.  Our friend has a country house out there with 25 acres and we go to this house every year this time. We went on several hikes on his property, all the while I was having contractions.  I kept thinking, is this the night?  Will I wake up in the middle of the night tonight and will labor start?  We went on a bumpy, hayride that made the contractions intense! I thought for sure labor was going to start that night!

Nope.

I guess technically labor did start that night, pre-labor, early labor, prodromial, whatever you want to call it.  I had contractions Saturday night till about 2am when I finally fell asleep.  I wanted Penelope to come that night so bad, so my friend Molly would be there and be my Doula.

Molly had to leave the next morning,  we helped her pack up her things and then we went to the mall to walk and walk and walk.  All the while having contractions, but as soon as I laid down or took a bath they went away.  That night I went out with friends and had a great time.  My back ached the whole night, like bad period cramps.  I thought for sure Sunday night was going to be the night!

Nope.

Monday, my due date, a hurricane was coming through. I thought, great! A low, pressure system will get me going!!  What does Peter want to do?  He wants to go surfing in Panama City Beach.  So I thought, shit, well I haven't got anything else to do, might as well go and take my mind off impending labor.

The car ride there, I had painful contractions the whole time, must have been the way I was sitting in the car,  that made Penelope's head press against my cervix and sacrum.  Once at the beach, I stood and watched Peter surf and they went away.  All the surfers coming and going stared at my ginormous belly and asked when my due date was.  When I replied, today, they laughed and asked if my husband was in the water surfing.  Yup, he was.  If you are a surfer in North Florida, you know you gotta get the waves when the gettin's good, because who knows when the next swell will come through.

On the way home, I thought my water broke, looking back, I am pretty sure I just peed my pants a little.  But it was exciting!  Things were moving along in the right direction!  The contractions got even more painful.  I kept thinking, if I have to give birth in the car in between Panama City and Tallahassee, I am going to freaking kill Peter.    I needed something to cope with the pain, and listening to Outkast was what I wanted.  Their ATLiens album,  the song Millennium to be exact.  I wanted to listen to it over and over and over again.  I think its pretty funny that this specific song is what I wanted to listen to, because that song used to be one of my favorites in 10th grade, when I get stoned with my high school sweetheart.  Whatever.   It worked.

When we got home, I took bath and then again, NOTHING.

By Tuesday, I was O.V. E. R. it.  I had given up.  I had surrendered control.  And sure enough, that is all it took.  

You can read the rest of my birth story here.  And here are few early labor pictures. These are from Saturday night after coming home from Calvary.

Peter settin' up the birth tub!

We had to empty the water the next day, but it was convenient to have it set up in the living room for a few days, because when labor really began all Peter had to do was fill er up!

Oh so pregnant and ready.  Drinking my red raspberry leaf tea.

Last Penelope pregnancy belly shot ever.

At the Beach

This time last year, I was also at the beach, but I looked like this. I was 20 weeks pregnant. We went to California to visit some friends and sight see. It was our babymoon before Penelope arrived. I looked at all my pregnancy pictures the other day, and I still can't believe I had an actual baby in my belly and that the baby was Penelope.


Oh, how the definition of vacation has changed this year! No sleeping in, or laying out in the sun. I am on short leash and when Penelope says jump, I jump. Even so, we are having a great time. My beautiful girl is quite the water baby. She puts her face in the water and blows bubbles now. And eats sand. She tries to dive out of my hands into the water. I am very tempted to let her to see what she would do. She would probably swim, like it ain't no thang. She was born in the water, and Peter is part fish, so it makes sense.