Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Unconditional Parenting: Chapter 3

Click here to learn about this book and our book club, check out Chapter 1 and Chapter 2

Here are some of my favorite quotes from Chapter 3, Too Much Control.

"Conditional parenting can be the consequence of control even if it wasn't the intention, and, conversely, control can help to explain the destructive effects of conditional parenting."

"The dominant problem with parenting in our society isn't permissiveness, but the FEAR of permissiveness. We are so worried about spoiling our kids that we often end up overcontrolling them."

"The way many kids are treated suggests a lack of respect for their needs and preferences-in fact, a lack of respect for children, period."

"It's easy for most of us to observe Bad Parenting on Parade, to watch people who are much more controlling that we are, and to take comfort from saying, "At least I'd never do that." But the real challenge is to reflect on the things we have been known to do and ask whether they're really in our children's best interest."

"The kids who do what they're told are likely to be those whose parents DON'T rely on power and instead have developed a warm and secure relationship with them."

"There may be times when some control, in the usual sense, is unavoidable, and here the trick is indeed to avoid overdoing it. Bu rather than just trying to find a happy medium between "too controlling" and "not controlling enough", we need to think in terms of an approach to parenting that's fundamentally different from control."


This chapter really made me think of all the times, as a Nanny, I got into power struggles with the girls over what they were wearing, how much they ate, etc.  I remember thinking, "Danm, I am such good Nanny!", because I usually always got them to eat what I wanted to or wear what I wanted.  I thought I was some master toddler negotiator...but really they were probably just so worried about upsetting me ( not that I ever yelled or screamed at them, but I think even getting frustrated and in a bad mood is way of love withdrawal) and wanting to please me than anything else...that all I really accomplished was breaking their spirit.  Sigh. 

So what did ya'll think about this chapter?  What were your "ah-ha" moments for this chapter?

3 comments:

  1. I really liked this chapter. I liked, at the end, when he says we need to be "in control" of our childrens lives but not "controlling."
    I was worried that this chapter was going to end with the inference that kids should be basically left to their own devices, left to figure it out for themselves. I'm glad that he clarified that the goal is "empowerment not conformity." Creating a safe environment and settings limits just not over-doing it.
    I thought the studies showing how children acted when their parents left the room were interesting. I agree with the thought that being overly controlling and making your kids feel powerless can lead to extreme defiance and sneakiness. I knew A LOT of people in high school that prove that point ha!
    Can't wait for Chapter 9, ways to reach a happy medium! (Can I skip ahead?! :))

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  2. I had that worry too, Holly! And I totally skipped ahead to Chapter 9, go for it!

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  3. I read this book when my daughter was about 5 months old and she is now 3 - I wish I had used positive discipline more, and I do fail at it, but I feel I have stuck to it fairly well.

    I love all this book, everything he writes is so spot on and the way he writes it too - is so eloquent and so enlightening and intelligent and thought through, with no hidden agenda.

    LOVE it and wish everyone would read it.... over control and disresepctful behaviour towards children in a HUGE problem where I live. I am trying to let my behaviour speak for itself... it has helped one woman who commented on it and went out and bought a positive discipline book, it opened the door for me to talk a bit about it and brain/child development and was a really great compliment. I was very pleased she was then motivated to do this with her daughter.

    wel... I struggle EVERY day - but, none the less, this book was crucial reading and extremely important to my parental journey.

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