Here the quotes that stood out to me from Chapter 4: Punitive Damages.
"To punish kids, very simply, is to make something unpleasant happen to them-or prevent them from experiencing something pleasant-usually with the goal of changing their future behavior. The punisher makes them suffer, in other words, to teach them a lesson."
"Announcing how we plan to punish children ("Remember, if you do x, then I'll do y to you") may salve our conscience because we gave them fair warning, but all we've really done is threaten them. We've told them in advance exactly how we'll make them suffer if they fail to obey."
"In Punishment Lite, also called "natural consequences", when a child leaves her raincoat at school, we are supposed to let her get wet the next day. This is said to teach her to be more punctual, less forgetful or whatever. But the far more powerful lesson that she is likely to take is what we could have helped-but didn't."
"It's hard for kids to sort out why someone who clearly cares for them also makes them suffer from time to time. It creates a warped idea, which children may carry with them throughout their lives, that causing pain is part of what it means to love them. Or else it may simply teach that love is necessarily conditional, that it lasts only as long as people do exactly what you want."
"Why Punishment Fails:
-It makes people mad
-It models the use of power
-It eventually loses its effectiveness
-It erodes our relationships with our kids
-It distracts kids from the important issues
-It makes kids more self centered"
I'm not reading this book with you, but I wish I had started back when you guys had... I'm going to have to get it. This post really made me think a bit, as I know, that in the last week I have done a "If you do x, then I'm going to do y." Specifically, "If you bite mommy again, I'm going to take away milk". I'm really not sure exactly how to reconcile the fact that I am indeed punishing Quin for his biting, and really not wanting to, but at the same time, I can't allow him to continue hurting me. Any thoughts since you've read the whole chapter??
ReplyDeleteI picked up the book from the library because of this blog and just started chapter 6. So far, from what I've understood about the book (which I love love love this book and agree with it 100% so far), is that you need to handle the situation very delicately. It's not so black and white to say you're punishing your child for biting you when you nurse, but if you stop showing the child any love, care and consideration for biting you. If he bites you and you put him on the floor and walk away, that's love withdrawal and punishment. If he bites you, say "Ouch! That hurts Mommy! You can't keep nursing if you bite." Continue to show him affection and love while explaining what's going on. If you do x, then I'll do y can just be an explanation of a natural consequence - if he continues biting, he can damage your nipple and actually make it impossible to continue nursing.
ReplyDelete@Melissa...I asked a similar questions to the author of the blog that first got me introduced to the book and she said that between ages 1 to 3 its really more about redirection than any sort of technique for positive discipline. So for example the biting while nursing. Instead of saying what you have been, take him off the boob and say ow! that hurts mama! or whatever you want and divert his attention to something else, like singing the itsy bitsy spider. and then try nursing again.
ReplyDeleteWhat Cassandra is saying is true too. You can explain the logical sequence matter of factly, without threatening, if you word it right.