What a freaking roller coaster the first trimester has been. I saw the two pink lines early, at four and half weeks pregnant. The two pink lines were clear as day! No wondering if a faint pink line was a positive or negative. The pee stick screamed pregnant. I literally collapsed onto the floor -- mind you it was the dirty, nasty CVS bathroom floor-- and started crying tears of joy.
At that ecstatic moment the end of my first trimester felt so far way but now it’s actually here. I am still in shock that I have made it this far. Having a previous early miscarriage had turned me a little neurotic. I have taken at least 35 pregnancy tests. I analyze my pee and toilet paper for anything out of the norm. I have become an internet junkie - searching for hours on end for one thing or another trying to put my mind at ease and convincing myself that everything is going to be ok. I even got an ultrasound at six weeks – you won’t believe it if I tell you that I previously came from the camp of women who aren’t too sure if ultrasounds are safe and its best to only get one or two at most. That all got thrown out the window because I wanted one and I wanted one NOW!
Our ultrasound found a perfect-sized sac and a little shady blob of a baby with a perfect, fast little heartbeat. BUT (and there had to be a but) we couldn’t see the yolk sac really at all. So this ultrasound that I thought was going to take all my worries away so I could blissfully breeze through the rest of my first trimester made me stress out even more. Where was the yolk sac? Why couldn’t we see the yolk sac? What does it mean if you can’t see the yolk sac? And thus the internet searching began. Some of what I found actually did calm me down a bit. I called my midwife and explained what we saw and she said this to me: “All we can do is wait and see what happens. Even if you get a perfect ultrasound at six weeks your baby could still be dead in a week. Nothing you can do about it”.
As harsh as it was to hear the words “your baby could still be dead in a week,” it did help me release some fear. I know that women have to give up control in labor to birth their babies, but I was not prepared to give up control a week and half into my pregnancy. So for the next 8 weeks I tried to give up control and give over to God what was best. Whatever happens will be for my highest good. I didn’t go a very good job but at least I tried.
