HUTH and PPD

HUTH is code for Hanging Up the Horns. I had no idea what this acronym meant until I became an Exclusive Pumper, also known as an EPer.

Never in a million years, would I have guessed that this would be the card I was dealt. For me, not being able to breastfeed like normal, was like a death. It has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life, and I have been through some shit.  It killed me.  I have talked about it here on the blog, in pieces, but it is still so raw for me. 

I like to think, as I look back over the past 18 months and this EPing journey, that I was able to keep post-partum depression (PPD) at bay. But it's so hard to see clearly, when you are still in the deep, dark, belly of your experience, that I am not entirely convinced I succeeded. Am I out? Am I on the way out? Am I still on the way in??

Throughout the past 18 months, I have felt the presence of PPD.  My family has a history of mental illness, so my awareness has always been heightened of whether something was "wrong" with me or not.  In fact, in the same week my dad dropped me off to college, I made an appointment with a physiologist and said: "look just tell me if I am bi-polar, tell me if something is wrong. I will do whatever it takes, whatever drug, I don't care, just tell me straight."  After talking to me, he realized, that no, I was not in fact bi-polar, just highly traumatized from having a mother who was.

But even after his reassuring words and almost 15 years of various therapies, I still hunt my emotions. Every single one, I stalk and analyze and self reflect.  I do not let one pass by or accumulate.  I find that I have a lot more power and choice in the matter.  If I feel a wave of depression coming in, trying to drown me, trying to suffocate me, I can either give in and let it wash over and take over. Or I can fight it.  I realize that everyone's experience is different and that not everyone has the mental/emotional ability to "fight" it, this has just been my experience.

And so, over the past 18 months, PPD has sat in the corner of every room of my house.  Some days it's just a tiny spec of dust, others, it's an enormous monster.  Either way, I beat it off with a stick, every. single. day.  I do it for Penelope.  I will not be so selfish to wallow in my own self pity and not be able to be emotionally present for her. I will not collapse under the pressure of it all, so that she has no stable ground to rely on.  I will go the places that are uncomfortable for me to face, so that I can be a good mother for  her.

I am not saying I never cry or I never feel like I am going to loose it, but I have managed, by being very, very diligent, aware, and hard working, to keep my shit together.  And by hard working, I mean having the courage to be and stay in therapy and always owning up to my crap.

But back to the point of the story.  I have hung up my horns.  I am done pumping.  I pumped for almost 19 months and now I am done.  That part of my life is over.  Crazy.

It's been over two weeks since I last pumped, and still my pump sits next to me.  I can't bare to put it away.  This pump has gone everywhere I have gone.  I have pumped in the craziest of places.  But mostly I pumped at the kitchen table, with my lap top in front of me, while Penelope napped.

This pump became apart of our family.  It's place in the fourth chair at our table. Never moving, always constant.  Looking back at all the time I spent pumping, I don't even know how I functioned.  I am not sure I even want any more babies, because I can't go through this again.

It all happened very naturally, my goal was to absolutely make it to 18 months and then try to get to 24 months.   But then, all of a sudden, Penelope stopped asking for her post nap time bottle and instead asked for water.  I also happened to have a bunch of things to do that didn't involve sitting at a computer.  So the next day, I skipped a pump. And then the day after that.  Before I knew it,  a week had gone by.  She still has not asked for her bubba once.

I will continue comfort nursing her for as long as she wants.  Even if she is 5 before she fully weans.
I have also been hand expressing about an ounce every day and spoon feeding it to her. She gets at least several ounces from me, in a 24 hour period, from comfort nursing, but I need to at least see one ounce come out of me for my sanity. I consider it part of her daily vitamin regimen now! She also gets about two ounces of thawed frozen breast milk a day in her fruit smoothie.  I wish she would get more milk, but it's comforting to know that in just one tablespoon of breast milk contains over 3 million germ killing cells in it.

This Moment: Bottle AND Boob

This pictures speaks very clearly to what my breastfeeding relationship with Penelope has been like.

The bottle is in focus and me and Penelope are in the background, slightly out of focus. I love how you can see me doing hand compressions. If I want to her to get milk, this is what I have to do. My arm feels like its going to fall off after she nurses, because I am compressing like a mad woman. As if each suckle might be her last and its still a do or death situation to get milk in her belly.

But I am happy, oh so happy and grateful for every single time Penelope nurses.

And that bottle, I have love/hate relationship with it. So happy for its invention, Penelope would have been one of those babies long ago that died from not being able to nurse. The pump and the bottle literally saved her life.

But oh, how I hate that thing and everything it "stands" for in my mind. I can't tell you how much physical pain it causes me to bottle feed her in public around people who don't know me. I wish I had a sign on my forehead that said "IT'S BREASTMILK, BITCHES!"

:)

Thank You For Nursing In Public

Last weekend, my husband and I went out on our third date since Penelope was born.  We went to a lovely, outdoor, paella cooking demonstration with live flamenco music.  We ate good food, drank wine and had a really nice time.

Except for one thing.  We had to share tables with other guests we didn't know, a la wedding seating style.  We were sat next to an older couple, their son and his new wife, and two young men, who had just graduated from college.

To the table next to us was a sweet family (why didn't we get to sit next to them!), an older couple and their daughter, her husband and their two kids, who looked to be an almost 2 year old and a 4 year old.  The woman was nursing the 2 year old in plain view.  She used her sweater to cover her skin, so absolutely no cleavage or nipple was showing at all.  But it was clear as day that she was nursing.

The younger wife at our table, gasped in horror and announced to her husband and her in laws that woman was breastfeeding!  Breastfeeding!!  And she went on to say, that the kid had to be 3 years old, and oh my word, the kid should be cut off by now, that is ridiculous.  The mother in law replied to these statements by saying, well, I never breastfed.  As if she was too good to breastfeed.

I immediately looked over and gave the nursing mom a sweet smile, but then, very uncharacteristic of my personality, I just sat there eating my paella and drinking my wine.

I said NOTHING. 

Not my finest moment.

Part of me, did not want to start a fight and ruin our so rare date night.  But mostly, I was afraid to speak up. ME! Who has been given a ceast and desist letter for my very vocal attempts of trying to get a local OB fired.

As we were walking out, I told Peter what happened (he was talking to another person and wasn't paying attention and didn't hear her say any of it.)  He couldn't believe I didn't say anything, he told me if I told him, or if he had heard, HE would have said something.  Gotta love husbands that 100% support child led weaning.

The whole rest of the evening, I felt sick to my stomach with regret.

What I should have done, was say I too, am breastfeeding a toddler and that I will continue to breastfeed as long as she wants and that it is very normal in other countries to breastfeed a child past one year.  It is only this country that we have such a prudish mentality about toddlers nursing.

Maybe, I could have planted some seeds in this woman's pre-motherhood mind and begun to unravel the ideas she had in her head about what kind of mother she is going to be one day.  Maybe, I could have planted seeds in the two young men minds for their future wives.  One of them was going off to Med school in the fall, maybe I could have planted seeds in his mind about what kind of doctor he was going be, one that pushed formula or one that supported breastfeeding.

I should have gone over to the mother nursing and said thank you.  Thank you for nursing in public and taking one small step in creating a world where it is not weird to nurse a toddler period, let alone in public.

So to the nursing in public mom that night, I thank you. Whoever you are.  Your family and your boys are beautiful.  You are an amazing mother.  You are a million times better mother than that woman will ever be.  How lucky your sweet boys are to have you as a mother!  You are an inspiration and I thank you.

And I am so sorry for not sticking up for you. 

As Mother's Day nears, I want to also thank ALL mother's, EVERYWHERE that nurse in public.  Whether it was a 6 week old or a 3 year old, THANK YOU!  You are awesome!  You are making a huge difference.

Here are several pictures of me nursing Penelope during our recent trip to Disney and Miami Zoo.  I got lots of looks, but I didn't care.  If someone were to say something about me nursing Penelope, I know the Mama Lion in me would have come and that person would have wished they were never born, but why, oh, why didn't I say something at the table that night?!

Checking out the elephants and getting some nuh-nuh.

While in line at It's a Small World, and we were very close to people in line, so I tried to cover Penelope up while she nursed.  Penelope has never had a blanket cover her while she nursed in her life.  She thought it was for a game of peek a boo.

My sweet love.

How to Really Store Breast Milk

I know everyone is pretty familiar with the breast milk storage guidelines.  They have been the standard guidelines for a long time and anyone who's anyone in the breastfeeding world stand by them.  Here is Kelly Mom's standard page and here is the La Leche League's.

I have found them to be conservative in some areas and would like to share my take on breast milk storage. 

What got me thinking along these lines of breast milk storage was that I had heard through the online grapevine that the standards were conservative and that a good rule of thumb is to let the baby taste the milk before throwing it out just because it has passed the aloted time.

I also started thinking about how raw milk, sours, it doesn't go bad.  And sour raw milk is really good for you.  So why would slightly soured breast milk be any different?

So I started experimenting with the times to see how far I could push it.  As you all know, I have been exclusively pumping for Penelope since she was a week old.  She comfort nurses around the clock, but I still pump for her once a day and give her a bottle once a day. 

When she was younger, and I was pumping every two hours, I would just give her what I just pumped.  But as she got older and my supply stayed at feeding-a-small-African-village level, I spaced out my pump sessions and got larger amounts at each session.  So that meant, in order to give her fresh milk, I just left it out on the counter till it was time to feed her next.

I tried to always give fresh-from-the-tap-milk, that had never seen the inside of the refrigerator.  I wanted her milk to be as close to perfection as possible.  Because even milk that has been the refrigerator looses some of it's leukocytes and beneficial bacteria.

So here is what LLL's says:

• at room temperature (66-78°F, 19-26°C) for 4 hours (ideal), up to 6 hours (acceptable) (Some sources use 8 hours)
• in a refrigerator (<39°F, <4°C) for 72 hours (ideal); up to 8 days (acceptable)
• in a freezer (-0.4 to -4°F, -18 to -20°C) for 6 months (ideal) up to 12 months (acceptable)

What I have found to be true:

I have found that at room temperature, that you can really leave breast milk out for 6 to 10 hours (ideal), up to 12 to 14 hours (acceptable).  

I also found that the exact temperature of "room temperature" doesn't really matter.  I have taken bottles in the car, outside, even in the summer.  

And as far as thawed frozen milk goes, the guidelines say to store it in the fridge no longer than 24 hours.  I have found that its really more like 72 hours.

I also never threw out a bottle that she didn't finish. I pace fed her, on demand, because I was trying to make her intake of milk as close as possible to normal on-demand nursing.  So she was a "classic" breastfeed baby in the sense that she never ate more 2 ounces at a time, through the day and night.  I just put the bottle back on the counter until the next time she was hungry, never putting it in the fridge.

As a side note, when you store breast milk in bags, you can lay them flat like bricks (as in the picture above) and they take up less space in your freezer that way.

P.S.  This is not medical advice, you must follow your own intuition about what is right for you and your baby. This is simply my experience.

What To Do if Your Baby Won't Nurse

If you are reading this and trying to find information you have come to the right place, but I am sorry you are here.  Having a baby who wont nurse, when you desperately want them to, is a cruel, cruel joke and honestly it feels like grieving a death.  So treat it as such and give yourself permission to grieve fully.

You will get through this.  It is totally possible to get your baby to nurse, it may only be comfort nursing, but either comfort nursing or full nursing are absolutely possible.  And if its not in the cards for you and your baby, Exclusive Pumping gets easier and easier.  You can do it!

If you haven't already, read my previous post, Make Your Boobs a Happy Place.  Once you have made your boobs a happy place, THEN you can read this post and try these ideas.

Like I mentioned before, I am not a IBCLC or an expert of any kind.  I do have background in childbirth as a Doula and Childbirth Educator, but I have no certifications in lactation counseling at all.  This is simply a list of things I did to help Penelope figure out how to nurse.

Also, please note that Penelope is a comfort nurser.  I never was able to stop pumping or stop giving her a bottle.  From various scale weighing attempts, she can get anywhere from .5 to 2 ounces in a nursing session.  The ones where she has gotten 2 ounces, she was nursing in her sleep for two straight hours.  She probably could have survived if I stopped pumping and cut the bottle out, but I am more concerned with her being in 100% perfect health than I am about stopping pumping.  As much as I HATE pumping, her getting as much milk as she wants is my priority.

And honestly, comfort nursing was enough of an success for us.  All of my friends kids breastfeed, and she acts just like they do, in the way she nurses.  I know that even though she doesn't get a full feeding from nursing at all, she is not lacking in any way by having a bottle, or her bubba, as she likes to call it, in addition to her comfort nursing.

Ok, so this is what we tried, in no particular order, once I made made my boobs a happy place (and fixed all her physical problems that were impending her ability to nurse, more about that on another post).

First and foremost, do not give a pacifier to your baby!!  Offer a finger or your boob, NOTHING else. A week after we stopped finger feeding and went to bottle feeding, I gave in and gave her a paci.  I felt like all hope was lost when we gave her the bottle, so I thought, what the hell difference does a paci make now?  Well, it makes a huge difference, trust me on this one and don't do it.  Taking her paci away at 12 weeks was a huge turning point for us (although it made for a very stressful two weeks).

1. Try a Medela nipple shield.  Sometimes baby can have a hard time latching because of flat nipples, if flat nipples are the only problem, nipple shields can be an easy fix.  Be warned, that although they may make it easier for baby to latch, they can actually make it harder for some babies to get the milk out.  As was our issue.  So when we used the nipple shield, it caused her to get even less milk (when she was newborn and still latching and I wasn't pumping yet).

2. If you already have tried a nipple shield with some success, you can try and put the nipple shield on the nipple of the bottle, when ever you bottle feed, or on your finger for comfort sucking, to get them more used to the nipple shield and more likely to latch on and stay latched.  Be warned, this is very cumbersome for the babies, so they may not want anything to do with this technique.  For us, this helped Penelope not to have a negative association with nipple shield and she would actually latch on a bit with the nipple shield after doing this a couple of times.

3. When you bottle feed, or bottle nurse, as I like to say, make your baby "latch" on to the bottle.  So put the nipple on the area in between the nose and top of the mouth.  Make baby open up real wide and then press bottle nipple down into their mouth, towards the top of their palate.  Once they feel the nipple at the roof of their mouth, they start sucking, just like regular nursing.  Then as they are sucking, you "pace feed" them.  So that means, they suck, suck and swallow. Suck, suck and swallow, just like nursing.  A bottle feed should take 15 to 20 minutes, just like nursing.  You tilt the bottle up for them to get a little milk and then back down to give them a break.  They learn they need to keep sucking to make more milk come out, that they need to work for the milk, just like they do if they are nursing.  Several people ask me,  "well, doesn't baby get more air that way?"  I don't really know the answer, but I don't really give a shit.  The pace feeding is more important than a little gas or burping.  Just burp your baby very well and do a little baby yoga to help pass gas, this is the least of your worries right now.

4. Hold your baby like you would if you were nursing.  Once I made my boobs a happy place and took care of Penelope's TMJ (it actually made it painful for her to even lie on her side, let alone open up her mouth) I held her in a cradle position with her cheek on my boob, kind of like a little pillow.  Her cheek was high up on my boob, because that was most comfortable position to hold her in with one hand and feed her the bottle with the other.  Later, I found out that I needed to have my nipple be right by the corner of her mouth.  So I had to lower her position down and turn her more towards me so that we were more belly to belly.  The IBCLC that gave me that tip, described it like this: "imagine that that they are leaping from point A to B.  From bottle feeding to nursing.  Right now it is a HUGE leap for her, so do everything you can to make the leap as SMALL as possible by making bottle feeding as much like nursing as possible."  She also told me to bottle feed lying down on my side, like side-lying nursing, again, just trying to make bottle feeding as much like nursing as possible.  This had never occurred to me before she mentioned it and it was so nice to be able to lay down.  I had been doing all our feeding times in my piece of shit rocking chair.  Next baby we are going to get the Cadillac of rocking chairs, learned our lesson the hard way!

5.  Once I got the hang of the belly to belly, nipple-in-the-corner-of-her-mouth position, she would often un latch from the bottle and turn towards me.  It was pretty amazing actually.  She could smell the milk inside me! Their rooting reflex and desire to nurse is so STRONG!  If she turned towards my nipple she would get lots of positive reinforcement (Yay! Penelope! You can do it!) and I would offer my nipple.

6.  The Bait and Switch technique works best in the middle of the night when they are half asleep.  You start out with the bottle, and super fast, ninja-like, you pop your nipple in and pray to God they latch on and nurse.  Sometimes this worked for us, if only for a moment.  Instead of getting discouraged that she would spit my nipple out and want the bottle back, I saw each little thing as improvement. As in, "OMG she latched for 2 seconds!!"  Each new milestone was baby steps toward our goal.

7. Contraptions (if anyone ever tells me breastfeeding is free, I just might slap them):

• We used almost every single one on the market.  As far as supplemental nursing systems goes, I liked Lact-Aid much better.  I think if I had tried that when she was newborn, she might have got the hang of full nursing.  The Medela SNS is great for good nursers, but Mama's supply is low. The Lact-Aid is what you need if you have a baby who has trouble nursing and baby can't get the milk out.  I wish I had introduced the Lact-Aid before we did finger feeding. Our IBCLC we were working with, at the time, did not recommend this to us for whatever reason, but I think it's what we should have done.  I feel like if we had done that, if we had kept her at the breast at all cost, she might have figured out how to really nurse. (Lact Aid did not pay me to say that, I have purchased a Medela SNS, a Medela Starter SNS AND a Lact-Aid and this is my honest opinion).  Ease into using it a couple of times per day, at times when baby is very drowsy - either going to bed,  waking up, or down for a nap - whatever combination works for you.  I got that tip from  a fellow blogger who, amazingly, had a very similar experience as us, but she was able to get her baby to fully nurse.  Her blog is a wealth of information as well.  Here is a link to a video of her showing how to use Lact-Aid.  And here is her nursing saga. 
• Like I said before I tried a Medela nipple shield.
• I also bought this nipple extractor thingy called the Evert It Nipple Extractor (don't laugh!) to draw out my nipples to try and make it easier to latch.  On top of ALL of Penelope's physical problems that made nursing nearly impossible, I have flat nipples.  I really like this product, if flat nipples are your only issue.  Pumping first to draw out nipples and induce let down are something else we tried too.
• I also bought this syringe bulb type thing, called the SuppleMate (seriously, who came up with these names!) from the same company.  The idea is to drip a few drops of EBM into their tongue to get their rooting reflex turned on. Then to drop some on your nipple so there is milk on it to encourage them to latch or to suck once latch.  Then you can also slip it in the corner of their mouth to encourage them to keep sucking, and not have to wait for milk let down.  You can use actual syringe, which has a smaller tube, but this was the easiest to maneuver for me.  And its kind of like a bottle, in the way that I could set it on the counter for a few hours (gotta love BM!) and use it when I needed it/felt like it, instead of having to set something up every time I tried something.
• I also tried Medela's nipple extractor thingy, called Soft Shells.  They really didn't work for me, but maybe it works better for other people.  In fact, they really stressed me out, putting them on and wearing them.  I think skin to skin is more important and you have to wear a bra or tank to keep them in place.  And if you are pumping, and have flat nipples, the pump will draw them out eventually.  Mine are still not pointy, little, erasers like a lot of women, but the pump has broken down the hard tissue and they are very malleable now and easy to sort of mush/pull into an erect nipple.  Here is another link with info about inverted nipples.

8. In the mean time, should you finger feed, bottle feed or cup feed??  Click here for a link of more info on all options.

• We finger fed Penelope with a syringe for three weeks.  Then one day it just broke.  We had been using disposable ones from our IBCLC.  Looking back, I am sure she just thought we would have gotten the hang of nursing and was trying to save us money, but I wish I had bought the Medela Starter SNS right from the get go.  Because we would have finger fed her longer with it, since it holds several ounces in the bottle.  It was a NIGHTMARE to finger fed with a syringe.  Every 10 cc's you had to fill it back up.  There are 30 cc's in one ounce. So to do a 1.5 or 2 ounce feeding, it took FOREVER. And she would scream her head off every time we stopped to fill up the syringe, so it was really stressful on both of us.  So if I could do it again, I would have finger fed her for at least the first 12 weeks, because finger feeding is more like nursing than bottle feeding, in the way it develops the jaw and mouth muscles needed to be an effective nurser.
• If you do go to a bottle, use the Breastflow one.  We first used Medela bottles, because I figured, "Hey, its Medela!" They must only sell the best bottle for breastfeeding success for moms and babes.  And they had glass bottles which I liked. Nope. I was wrong.  Medela makes some great products and some shit products.  Their bottles are some of their shit products (more about the ways Medela is not as great as everyone thinks here).  The Breastflow bottle requires a compression and sucking movement more similar to nursing than other bottles and it has a wide base and short nipple to feel most like mama (although no bottle can compare, this one comes the closest).  Then later once Penelope was latching, the IBCLC we were working with at the time, told us that plain old, Even Flow nipples (they fit on Medela pump bottles) are good too.  Whatever you buy, get the shortest nipple possible and the slowest flow possible.  Then you must also pace feed.
• We never tried cup feeding, but it is also an option. 

 9. Sort of in line with the Make Your Boobs a Happy Place post, do everything you can to be very attached and in tune with your baby.  Wear your baby, sleep with your baby, take lots of baths with your baby, do EC with your baby (it will help you learn all your babies cues faster and be more in tune with your baby)...and the point of all of that, is to catch your baby rooting and to be ready to quickly offer the boob, in calm, detached manner.

10. Do exercises for jaw/mouth muscle development.  Throughout the five million appointments with lactation people, chiropractors, cranial sacral therapists, physical therapists, speech therapists, etc several recommended doing things to Penelope's mouth to make sure she was developing mouth/jaw muscles properly.  Such as:

• Tap around baby's mouth in a circle.  This stimulates their rooting reflex and helps create muscle tone.  
• Then take your finger and draw a circle around their mouth, with enough pressure like you would if giving a massage. Then do the same thing on her actual lips.
• Then take your finger (wash your hands first and use a brush to clean under your nails) and "swipe" your fingers along the inside of the their cheek.  Once up top, once in the middle and once along the bottom of her cheeck.
• Then press your fingers along their gum line, top and bottom.  You are trying to get her tongue to move toward your finger for this one.
• Then try and press your finger to the top of her palate and try to get her to suck on your finger.  Have her finger suck as long she can.  Try this several times throughout the exercises and try to notice any changes in her sucking.
• Also massage the outsides of their jaw.  In a circle motion, all around the cheeks and jaw bone.  
• And lastly, introduce all sorts of textures to baby's mouth.  She needs oral stimulation that is she lacking from not nursing, to have her mouth nerves develop properly to make sure speech is not impeded later.

I plan on doing a third post that explains all of Penelope's physical issues in detail and all the types of professionals we went to see.  It may take me awhile to get that post done, so the short version of the story is: take your baby to a chiropractor and cranial sacral therapist as soon as you can.

Phew!  Are you exhuasted? I sure am.   If you have any other tips and techniques that you have tried with success, please let me know in the comment section and I will add another section for tips and ideas from other people. I would love for this to be an all-inclusive resourse page for Mama's trying to get their babies to nurse.

And as always, send me an email if you have any further questions, I am always here to help.

Make Your Boobs a Happy Place

I recently have been asked by some readers to explain what I did to get Penelope to comfort nurse at 5 months.

Here is Penelope latched on nursing for the first time since she was a newborn.  The day before she turned 5 months old. 


I am STILL not ready to tell our story in full detail, I attempted to last night and started crying and could feel the anxiety rising, so I put it away for yet, another day.

But I really feel the need, to at least tell this part of the story, in case it can help just one Mama going through something similar.

I feel like I could pass the damn IBCLC exam after all the research I have done and professionals we have worked with.  That said,  I can't promise that anything I recommend will work or that it will be all inclusive.  This is simply things we did and what helped us. 

If your baby will not breastfeed click on this KellyMom.com link.  Read it in its entirety.  Then read it again.  Then call an IBCLC.  If you have already seen an IBCLC with no success, call another one.

And while you are trying to get your baby to nurse, you must also focus on protecting your supply.  I like the word protecting, because that is really what you are doing. Your milk is your babies birth right, and even though the stars aligned for your baby to not be able to nurse, you can still breastfeed. So this is really your priority.  THEN you can start working on making your boobs a happy place.  You must pump like a crazy person to maintain a perfect supply.  Pump as many times as your baby would be nursing, I am talking 10 to 12 times in a 24 hour period, if you have newborn.  And try to simulate cluster feeding in the evenings as well, just like a newborn.  It's a shitty card you have been dealt, I know, but putting in lots of hard work in the beginning to establish and protect your supply will be worth it for your long term breastfeeding goals. Exclusive pumping, or EPing, just gets easier and easier. You can do it.

Here is KellyMom's page about exclusive pumping and here is a link to the yahoo group of the most amazing group of women, who are all exclusive pumping and not by choice, they are a WEALTH of information.  Without them, I would have not made it this far.

Ok, NOW, you can start reading my post!  :)

Make your boobs a happy place.

I'm serious, make them a HAPPY, HAPPY place for your baby.   This is your numero uno priority and the very first step in getting your baby to latch.  Penelope stopped latching on at all about 3.5 weeks.  It was because not only was she frustrated she wasn't getting any milk and she was in physical pain, I was beyond stressed every time I tried to nurse her.

She developed a negative association with nursing, to the point that she didn't even want to be held in a cradle position. 

I would get into a full on panic even thinking about the next feeding time.   As I picked her up and got her in position, my heart would race or I would hold my breath in sheer terror of what was to come.  When she wouldn't latch, my heart would sink into my stomach and I would feel devastated, rejected and so, so sad.  Then the tears would come and I would literally beg her to nurse. My boobs were anything but a happy place for her.  They were actually painful to me as well.  I can't even begin to describe what it feels like to have huge breasts full of milk and not be able to nurse your baby.  The pain was not only emotional it was physical.   I know she felt everything I was feeling.

Our biggest turning point at 12 weeks, was working with an IBCLC from New York through Skype sessions, and making my boobs a happy place, was the main thing she taught me.

The second your baby cries or makes a stressed face, or you start to panic or stress, STOP trying to nurse.  Redirect her, comfort her in any way you can and come back to later when you both are calm and happy.

Think of it as if you are "pouring" your love into them.  And if you are not in a loving, happy mood, you are "pouring" poisen into them...and our babies are smart, they don't want to drink no stinkin poison.

One of the most helpful things I learned to be able to stay in a mental "happy" place, no matter if Penelope was making any progress or not, was taught to me by a dear friend and energy healer.  I asked her if I should just give up trying to get Penelope to nurse (again this was around 12 weeks).  I asked her if I should just focus on pumping and stop trying, because the trying and rejection were so hard on me, I couldn't take it anymore.  She told me, instead of looking at it in black or white, as in Try or Not Try, to look for the gray, softer alternative-The Middle Road.  At that point, I stopped trying at every. single. feeding. and instead only tried when I felt a "calling" or felt that the moment was perfect. 

She also told me to unconditionally love my daughter and to let her choose her own life's path.  She told me, that it was Penelope's choice not to nurse, for whatever reason this is what she needs and wants and I needed to honor her path.  

This helped me to un-attach the from the outcome and know that if she never nursed, it wasn't my fault. 

I would keep trying, but I was no longer desperate.  I was at peace, at least at more peace than before and this eliminated any stress or pressure I was putting on Penelope to nurse.

Once I realized I needed to get Penelope to have a positive association first and foremost , I stopped actively trying to get Penelope to latch and I focused on these things:

1. Wearing her in a sling or wrap with no top on.  So she was getting skin to skin with no pressure of having to latch.

2. I took a bath with her every night.  I didn't try to latch her, I just bathed her, held her, massaged her and just enjoyed her.  To this day, those moments in the bath are my most treasured.  It was a time where all I had "to do" was enjoy my baby.
Taking a bath kills two birds with one stone, because its great skin to skin time, which will help your supply, but also its just a lovely thing to do with your baby.  In the bath, with the water and all the skin to skin, her rooting reflex is stronger.  Lay baby on your chest and don't offer the nipple.  Just lay her there and let her smell you and see what she does.  She may bob her head up and down. That is the first thing they do when they are starting to root.  Just see what she does, even if she bobs  her head up and down, don't offer.  See if she will try and find the nipple herself.  Everything I am suggesting to do, requires the patience of a zen master on your part.  Be happy with any little progress she makes and focus on the good. Later on once you have made the nipple and boob a happy place, you can start to offer your nipple in the bath. And don't forget to give her lots of positive reinforcement.

3. Play games with her at the breast and give her lots of positive reinforcement.  I would hold her in a cradle position with my boob out and her head resting on my boob or just being near by.  Then I would hold my boob so that my nipple was kind of tickling her cheek or mouth and smile big and say "yay! Penelope!"    Or I would have a clutching toy for her to look at while I had her in a cradle or side lying position, and we would just play "in position" and that helped let her guard down about being "in position".  I would also use the toy to get her to turn her head towards my nipple.  When she did turn her head towards me I would say "yay! Penelope!"
Before I could get her to be held in a cradle position, I would do this laying down next to her, or sometimes even on top of her on all fours, and let my boobs just kind of dangle and I would sing songs and smile. I would do anything I could think of, to make her smile while my boob was near by.  It was EXHAUSTING.
Remember to only do this when she is totally happy, fed, new diaper, not tired etc.


Ok, so that is basically it, as far as making your boob a happy place.  I have a million other tips and techniques to help baby latch, but making your boos a happy place is where you need to start before you try anything else.  So muster all the patience you have and do this first.


Good luck!  And please, email me if you have any questions.  I am always happy to help.

Big Switch Update: Part 3

Blech. I don't even know where to start.  I am still so not in the mood to tell this story, but I know everyone wants to know the outcome.  So here's the bare minimum:

First, a word about the Medela scale we rented from Best Beginnings. I started using it a couple of days before the Big Switch to see how much milk she was taking in from comfort nursing. It worked great when she was a tiny newborn and you could easily lay her on it without much a fuss.   It was incredibly difficult with her being 22 pounds and very mobile. It was tricky to get her to stay still, to  say the least.  Many times I got an inaccurate reading. It would say that she had lost a 100 cc's in an hour.  During the times I think I got an accurate reading, it said she took in anywhere from 25 cc's to 60.  The one time I got 60 ccs (2 ounces), I had just napped with her for two hours and she was latched on the entire nap and I was compressing/hand expressing so much my arm hurt.  Moral of the story: she is not getting very much from me at all, and what she is getting, is from me doing all the work to get it in her mouth.

Day 1 started at night, with her last bottle before bed.  Before this bottle, we washed all her bottles together and said goodbye to each bottle and nipple.  I let her put each one inside the bag.  She loves to put things inside things these days.

The first morning was fine.  I gave her a bit more food at breakfast.  We stayed home and I had The Ladies out in full view, a lot, so she nursed more.  Every time she nursed, I hand expressed and did hand compressions as much as I could.  I gave her water in a sippy cup, but didn't want to go over board and fill her up on water and defeat the whole thing.

By the afternoon, homegirl was CRANKY.  I think it was less from hunger and more from just not liking the new routine of no bubba.  I gave her a good sized lunch and dinner, and fruit smoothie with some breastmilk in it for snack.

Day 2, homegirl is VERY CRANKY.  We have Tot Yoga class in the morning, and she does not want to participate.  She usually loves class.  It continues to get worse.  Crying and fussing all day long.  And her constipation begins in the afternoon, all the extra food and less fluid the day before do not make for a healthy gut.  Getting her to sleep for her second nap of the day was absolute torture, she screamed her head off for 45 minutes.  So unlike her at all.  At this point, I am like F@&k It!  This is insane. I am torturing my poor daughter.  I make the decision that I am going to give her a sippy cup of milk when she wakes up.

Instead of giving her the sippy cup, I try the Lact Aid again.  Lo and behold, she latches on.  She was so hungry she didn't give a shit that she had tubing in her mouth.  She took about an ounce and half from the Lact Aid.  Now, I am elated!  I think, OK! This excruciating, but maybe it might work!  If I can get her to use the Lact Aid, it means I still have to pump, but it gives hope of her learning how to suck better and one day nursing without the Lact Aid!

Her constipation is getting worse and pretty much every hour, she is grunting and pooping out one little hard marble.

Then night time rolls around and I put the Lact Aid on again for her nurse to sleep routine.  More screaming for 45 minutes, until I finally took the Lact Aid off and let her nurse to sleep without the tubing.  Passed right out.  She wanted her nuh-nuh without an annoying tubing taped to it, thankyouvermuch.

After this, I decide, sippy cup in the AM.  I give her the sippy cup of EBM in the morning.  She takes a good sip and then spits it out.  We try again. Takes a sip and spits it out.  Awesome.  I try the Lact Aid again several more times throughout the day, she would take it here and there but still couldn't transfer enough and she lost her shit again when I tried to give it to her while she was nursing to sleep for her nap.

Later, I try a different sippy cup.  This time she takes a sip, and then spits out  a sip.  So all day long I am handing her the sippy cup and the same thing.  At the end of the day, she had taken about 2 ounces from the sippy cup and since she spit out half, that means she only got an ounce. An ounce. All day.

By evening time on Day 3, homegirl is EXTREMLY CRANKY.  She looks sickly, and dehydrated and her constipation seems to be getting worse and more painful.  I give in and give her a bottle of EBM before bed.  We cuddle, and she lays her head on my boob.  When I give her the bottle, she clutches it for dear life, with both hands and looks up at me.  The relief in her eyes was piercing.  She looked as if someone had just saved her from drowning.  I weighed her the next morning and she had lost almost a full pound. :(

The next day, she perked up immediately.  Her skin color got better, her mood was almost back to normal, her constipation got a bit better, but it took another full 24 hours to go away.  I, on the other hand, was deeply sad for several days. It was as if, I was reliving those early post partum weeks all over again.  The loss was just as painful.  Although, I recovered much faster this time.  I am still bummed of course, but I am done crying and instead focusing the good and staying very grateful for the comfort nursing.

Oh, and I cut out the evening pump the night I gave her the first bottle.  I needed something good to come out of this.  I didn't get engorged at all.  Which is pretty amazing for cutting out an hour pump session cold turkey.  So I have been pumping only once in a 24 hour period, (granted its still almost a 1.5 hour pump session) but my supply has stayed steady for what she is taking in now in a bottle (15 ounces in a 24 hour period). It has been so wonderful to spend my evening free time sewing or watching a movie with Peter instead of freaking pumping.

Thanks again to everyone for their support, kind words and prayers.  It meant the world to me.

Big Switch Update: Part 2

Tomorrow is the big day!  I am super nervous but hoping for the best.  A couple of days ago, I got my scoby in the mail to make my homemade Kombucha (tute coming soon, once I get the hang of it) and in the little box was a card that said nothing on it, except: Expect Miracles.  It really got me thinking about my mindset going into this.  Up until I saw that card, I was pretty doubtful that the Big Switch was going work.  As I reflected a bit on this, I realized that I was feeling doubtful because I was trying to keep my hopes in check.  My effort to keep my hopes in check is about me not wanting to get hurt if this doesn't work out the way I hope.

Whenever I get excited about something my husband is always the first one to rain on my parade (as I see it) and give a me a list of reasons why whatever I am excited about is a not exactly a good idea or how it may not work out. Granted, he is usually doing it out of love.  He doesn't want me to get my hopes up about anything and in turn get my feelings hurt if it doesn't work out.  He also likes to say that he is a realist and that he is not thinking negatively, only realistically.    He also does not believe that your thoughts attract your reality. Which of course, I am a huge believer in.  I believe that what you think about is what you attract.   For example, if you keep saying to yourself how broke you are, or how you can't afford this or that...you get more broke and not being able to afford stuff from the universe.  Whereas, if you think, "things are looking up!  Soon I will be able to afford that!  I can't wait till I can afford it!  And you picture yourself being able to buy it, etc.  I think you are much more likely to actually accomplish your goal of not being broke.

So long story short, I was not being my usual positive thinking self, because I was trying to be a "realist" and not get hurt.  Then I decided that I am going to risk getting hurt.  I am going to 100% commit to the possibility of Penelope figuring out how to transfer more milk when she nurses and what it would be like to be free from pumping.  I am going to jump off the ledge and dive in and not care if I get hurt.  I am going to Expect Miracles.

Its kinda like how in labor, when you get to that point, where your only option is to move forward.  You no longer care how much you are going to get hurt (physically or emotionally).  You have to 100% commit and dive in, in order to meet your baby.

So, the Big Switch is tommorow.  Here's a little update since the last one:

-We went to her Pediatrican yesterday, to have him look at a little spot of ezcema on her hand.  I also asked him his opinion on my idea to quit bottles cold turkey and to gently force her to get more milk straight from the tap.  I mentioned I would be willing to starve her out for two days.  He laughed and said look at her! She is 22 pounds!  She's got plenty in reserve and she may not be hungry enough after two days.  I would do 5.  5?! I say. Really?  I respect her Dr very much so I am going to heed his advice, but not entirely, we are doing to do 4 days instead of 5.  That means 4 days of only solid food and nursing from me.  Right now she gets between 15 and 20 ounces of EBM in a bottle.  This is the part that I am very nervous about.  I really hope she figures it out quick and doesn't loose any weight, even though she is chub and has plenty in reserves.

-I made her a picture book of all her nursing pictures.  She seems to really like it.  We read it and her other two nursing animals books several times a day.

-Tonight we are going to do a good bye ceremony for her bottles.  I am not sure exactly what I am going to do, but I am going to give her an opportunity to say goodbye.

-We rented the scale yesterday and I am in the process today of weighing her to see how much she is taking in while she comfort nurses.  You can use the scale on a baby up to 24 pounds, but let me tell you, it is very difficult to make a 10 month sit still on the damn thing long enough to get an accurate reading.

-I am still praying hard.  If you have been too, thank you so much.  Tommororw is the big day!  For the next four days we are hunkering down and getting down to business.  So keep us in your prayers and thoughts!

Big Switch Update: Part 1

 In my inbox this morning was a post from a fantastic mindful parenting blog I like.  The first sentence of the post is this:

"A child's flow is a powerful force, like the traffic on a highway."

The words that struck me were "powerful."  One of the reasons I am drawn to Attachment Parenting is that it aims to teach parents how to interact with children with true respect.  My needs are equally important as my daughter's needs are.  I have no desire to force my power over my daughter.  She is powerful and perfect just as she is and I try very hard to listen to her and respect her needs AND wants.

The post came in a timely manner, because this weekend I attempted to use the Lact Aid with Penelope and it has me deeply questioning whether I am going with my daughter's flow or if I am trying to force my power over her.

The Lact-Aid is a bag of milk that hangs around your neck, with a piece of tubing that comes out the top.  You put the tube on your nipple and then latch baby on.  They get milk from you AND the Lact Aid.  Its similar to Medela's Supplemental Nursing System or SNS, but its engineered differently so the way the milk flows and the vacuum/suction works is different.  Because of this I had heard a lot of women who find success with the Lact-Aid system even after the SNS failed them, like it failed us.    I wish I had heard about the Lact-Aid when Penelope was  tiny baby and also when she first started comfort nursing at 5 months.  Things might have been different.  Sigh. 

She had a really hard time this weekend with the Lact-Aid.  She varied from simply turning her head away from my nipple and wanting nothing to do it, to being completely distracted by the bag and tubing and playing with it, to screaming hysterically like I was poking her with a hot torch.  The crying is what really got me thinking: "What am I doing!?!"  Why am I am trying to do something she clearly does not want to do?  I would never force her to do something in other parts of our life, so why is  it OK to try and force her to use the Lact-Aid?  Does the benefits of 100% nursing somehow trump all my parenting values?  I don't think so.  It seems like forcing her to use the Lact-Aid is a step in the wrong direction.  She gets everything she needs now already, 100% breastmilk from me because of pumping and all the comfort she needs from comfort nursing.  I am trying to quit bottles and go to full time nursing, purely for myself and my needs of wanting to stop pumping.

When I spoke the owner on the phone (which by the way, he was wonderful and kind), he told me to patient and that its a process, especially with an older baby.  But it just feels wrong.  He gave me some tips, like to try and cover the Lact Aid with a scarf (what a joke) and to try and slip in the tubing when she was drowsy/asleep, which I did and even when she was asleep, sliping in the tubing woke her up and made her cry.  Once she was totally asleep I was able to get it in, without waking her up, but by that point she was, well, asleep and not sucking very much at all, so what is the damn point to have the tubing in her mouth is she is not sucking!

Parts of me wonder if I am giving up on the Lact Aid too soon.  Having her turn away from me and not want to latch on, or to cry, brought back so many feelings of rejection from when she was a tiny baby and wouldn't nurse.  Even though I know it was not personal, and she physically could not latch and nurse, it was still very painful to have breasts FULL of milk and have my baby to turn away or cry.  So parts of me wonder if I am giving up because I can't handle the rejection anymore.

Other Big Switch updates:

• The sippy cups still have not arrived!  
• Increasing solids is going good.  The girl really likes eggs, meat and fruit! 
• Its been three nights with no night time bottle and that is going ok.  She is waking up a lot more, but I think it has more to do with her developmental stage...she just started WALKING!!   
• We have been watching lots of YouTube videos of baby's her age nursing and reading the book Mama's Milk.  It is such a cute book!
• I am also going to do some more research about renting a scale again to see if it works with an older baby like her, who is 22 pounds by the way!  

So what do you guys think?  Go with my gut or am I giving up too soon on the Lact Aid?

Can You Teach an Older Baby to Nurse?

I have always held onto the dream that it is possible and that I would get to exclusively nurse Penelope one day.  I dream of not having to pump of course, and the freedom that it would give us, but I also dream of having a true nursing relationship.  I am thrilled and very thankful  for the nursing experiences I have been given, but I want more.   I have it in my head, that if I can teach a older baby to do yoga and go poo on the potty on their own, I can damn well teach an older baby to nurse.  I feel like Penelope is getting to that stage.  I feel like she is almost ready.  By ready, I am not sure exactly, but I feel like this moment I have been waiting for, her whole life, is getting closer.  When she nurses, I say things like "do you want milk from mama?"  When I offer her a bottle, I say "do you want milk from your bubba?"  When I feel her sucking harder or make swallowing sounds, I say "Yay, Penelope!  That's a good girl, get that Mama milk, you can do it!!"  She is beginning to comprehend.  She also eating more and more solids each day and she is drinking slightly less milk in a 24 hour period now too.

I am apart of an online support group for women who have had to exclusively pump and not by choice.  Of the almost 500 women on the group, only two (that I know of) have had success getting their babies to 100% nurse full time.  One mom got her baby to fully nurse at 4 months after the babies third frenotomy and one got her 12 month old to exclusively nurse after stopping the bottle cold turkey and switching to sippy cups and the result was the baby wanted to nurse more than use a sippy cup.  Both babies were comfort nursers like Penelope before they went to exclusive nursing.

I have found as much information as I think I can published online, but I would love to see if there are any other mother's out there that have gotten their older babies, specifically ones around Penelope's age (she is almost 10 months) to exclusively nurse after bad starts, pumping and baby being able to comfort nurse.  I have also looked up information on women who adopt an older baby and get them to nurse, and toddlers who re learn how to nurse once baby number 2 comes along and they want to nurse again after they have weaned, but still would love more detailed information from personal accounts.

So here's some information about our situation and the questions I have:

I have talked about my nursing woes and successes here a couple of times.  I am still not ready to tell the detailed story, because like I mentioned in my birth story, this story is not over yet and not ready to be told.  I am still in the thick of our breastfeeding journey.  The short version of the beginnings of our story is that Penelope had severe tongue tie.  The first frenotomy at day 6, did nothing to free her tongue.  Finally, at 8 weeks, I went with my gut and got a second opinion and we did in fact need  a second, much deeper, frenotomy.  She also had TMJ from her Atlas vertebrae being out.  It caused her muscles on the right side of her jaw and neck to be so tight they would spasm and they caused her pain.  She could hardly move her jaw enough to open her mouth wide enough, and then she couldn't drop it down to create the proper suction movement.  On top of both those things, I have flat nipples.  I also think there might have been some issues with her palate being on the smallish side and my nipples being on the biggish side.

Finally, after taking her to 5 million different appointments and trying every breastfeeding contraption and trick known to man, AND spending a small fortune, I was finally able to get her to comfort nurse the day before she turned 5 months old. She nurses to sleep and if she is fussy and wants a little comfort.  I am basically a human pacifier. But to eat, to really get a full feeding, she wants her bottle. Or as we call it, her bubba.

Lately, I have been feeling like something needs to change.  Maybe its because Fall is in the air.  I don't know. Or maybe, like I mentioned before, I just am starting to realize that Penelope is ready to try.  Mostly, I think its because I am so. damn. tired. of. pumping.  Maybe my urge to quit pumping is the signal she is ready.   My original goal was to pump for 12 months.  To try to follow the World Health Organization guidelines for breastfeeding as best I could.  Soon after that, I decided I wanted to pump for 2 or 3 years, because if I was exclusively nursing Penelope, we would do child led weaning and would probably nurse for at least that long.  I am pretty damn close to my original goal.  Only two more months to go.  If I have pumped for 10 months, I can certainly last two more months.

Right now, I pump two times a day. Not bad you say? Yeah, well, each pump session is over an hour.  The mid day one really is not that bad.  It's during her nap and now a days her first nap is an hour and half to two hours, so I have some time to get things done after the pump session.  It's the night time one that is killing me.  Penelope goes to bed late, and that is not the problem, it actually works for us, because she usually sleeps late too.  So I put her to bed about 9:30 or 10p.  It usually takes about 10 to 20 minutes to get her to fall asleep by nursing. By the time she is good and asleep, I could easily fall asleep myself.  But instead, I have to force myself to get up and go pump for over a damn hour.  Then make bottles.  Then clean bottles. Then wind down all over again.  By the time I am just about to drift to sleep, she wakes up for night time wake up #1.


My specific questions are this:

1.  If I quit the bottle cold turkey, how long do you think I could go without starving/traumatizing her before I re introducing milk in a sippy cup. The plan would be to quit the bottle and only offer the breast for a day or two, trying to communicate to her that if she wants milk, she has no other option than to get it from me.  I will try the SNS again when we quit the bottle to see if it helps, but it has never helped us in the past.

2. Is there anything I can do to teach her how to be a more efficient nurser and suck harder?  I already give her praise, massage/tickle her jaw, tug on my nipple as if I am about to pull it out to get her attention and pull it back in, and do compressions to squirt milk in her mouth to get her to get going more or have more interest.

3.  Check out my "game plan" to get her ready for the Big Switch, let me know if there is anything else I should add.

GAME PLAN:

1. Start introducing more solids.  As of now, she eats a handful of blueberries and half a piece of bacon for breakfast, nothing for lunch or snacks, and then at dinner she gets one egg yolk, and pieces of whatever we are eating-usually mixture of meat, veggies and fruit.  The total of the evening food is only about a handful or two at most.  I already started this today and added another full egg yolk for breakfast.  I will also give her some fruit throughout the day for snacks.

2. Get her back to cuddling in a nursing position when she gets her bottle. Up until a few months I ago, I held her in a cradle position and had her rest her check on my boob (also called bottle nursing), to mimic breastfeeding as much as possible.  I had gotten really lazy about this in the last two months.  Penelope had gotten so active and mobile that she didn't want to sit still long enough to get her bottle.  She would much rather play than eat.  She hasn't gained a pound since she was 6 months old (she is 21 pounds then and now), so I started to get a bit worried and decided that getting milk in her body was more important than her getting the skin to skin and being in a cradle position with her head on my boob.  We also get lots of skin to skin from nursing to sleep and baby wearing, so I didn't think she was being deprived.  So we started having her sit in my lap, in a reclined position, but her head facing out so she can still look around and do her dance/kick routine.  She was more willing to sit and get her bottle this way.  Then she started wanting to sit up or stand up and have her milk, and I let her do that too, again, because I was more concerned about getting milk in her.  But now that she is eating more solids, I think this is a good first move.  If she wants milk, she has to be in my lap, no question about it.

3. Offer her the breast more.  I do this a lot already, but I need to do more consistently before I offer the bottle.

4.  Maybe start putting the SNS on, while we nurse to sleep. Getting her to take in more milk while nursing to sleep, and thus needing less from the bottle to begin with before we even make the switch.   I wonder if she would more readily accept it when she is sleepy?

5.  Get rid of the nighttime bottle.  I have already started doing this too.  We are down to 2.5 ounces in the bottle.  I have been giving her a bottle at night this whole time, even though she would nurse at night, because I wanted to give her a full feeding at least once at night in hopes that it would help her sleep longer stretches.

6. Wait for the sippy cups to arrive.  I ordered this one.  If the Big Switch fails and she is starving and miserable, then I am going to reintroduce sippy cups for milk, no more bottles ever.  The reason I am using these types of sippy cups is because they are BPA and Phalate free and one of the lactation consultants we have worked with told me to use a sippy cup with a straw because the negative pressure sucking a straw is similar enough to the negative pressure sucking while breastfeeding and it might actually make her more of an efficient sucker now that she is older.  Also, if the Big Switch fails at 10 months, I will try again later in a few months.

7.  When I do the Big Switch, I am going to dedicate a few days to doing nothing but hang around the house with her, so that I can offer the breast as much as possible.  I will also be topless most of the day.  Penelope always comfort nurses in the bath with me.  As soon as I am naked and she sees my boobs, she opens her mouth and makes a dive bomb for them!

8.  Once the Big Switch has started, I am going to cut each pump session by 15 minutes or so, leaving me a bit more fuller for her.  If it goes well, I will continue to wean myself from the pump in 15 minute intervals.

9.  I will try the SNS at all regular bottle feeding times, in hopes that the milk will flow faster for her to keep her nursing for a full feeding.  In the past, this has never worked for us, she either can't transfer enough milk even with the SNS, or it tickles her mouth and annoys her and she wants nothing to do it.

10. During the Big Switch, give her lots of attention, skin to skin and praise.  Giving up the bottle, the thing that has given her milk and comfort since she was 2.5 weeks old could be pretty traumatic.  Even though its going to be a little traumatic, I really feel that going cold turkey is the only way to get some success.  I feel like when we gave  up the paci cold turkey when she was 3 months old (I gave her one at 4 weeks when I felt like nursing had been shot to shit), it was a big piece of the puzzle that helped open the door for her to latch on to me.

11.  I will give her more water from her water bottle to keep her hydrated.  And closely monitor her pee and poo output.

12.  Spend lots of time visualizing success.  I am big believer in the Law of Attraction.  I need to visualize me putting the pump away, or Hanging Up The Horns as we exclusive pumpers say.  I need to see the milk flowly freely and in large quantities from my breast into her mouth and belly.  I need to picture myself putting away the bottles and pump parts and see myself nursing her in public or at home, no matter where we are or what we are doing.

13.  Lots and lots of praying.  I have been doing this every day for her entire life.  Every day, I pray: "Please dear God, if its your will, help Penelope figure out how to transfer more milk so I can exclusively nurse her and be free from pumping."  

And on that note, if you pray, please pray for us.   To get her to 100% nurse to get the milk she needs at this age, is going to be a full on miracle.

Thank you for taking the time to read this entire post and thank you in advance for any advice you have for us.

Lactation Cookies

I made these Lactation Cookies last night.  My supply is still bountiful, thank God, so I didn't make them to boost supply, but because I was craving some yummy cookies.  And I figured I may as well make some lactation cookies, because the way I see it, you can never have too much mommy milk!  I also like to make these, because Peter tends to steer clear from them, because God forbid he get caught eating a lactation cookie, leaving the yummy bounty all to myself.

Speaking of mommy milk, yesterday I had the awesome pleasure of nursing Penelope in a room full of 2 and 3 year old's, while I was teaching yoga.  The little boys were so cute. The stopped cold from doing yoga and came over to peer and asked "What's that?"  "Whatcha doing?" "What dat baby doin?"  "What is IN there??"  Why mommy milk of course!  And amazingly Penelope sat there and nursed for the longest time she has ever nursed in public.  It happened at the end of an hour of us teaching yoga to  about 30 rambunctious toddlers and she was so overwhelmed she didn't give a crap that we were not laying down with the lights off and the sound machine on!

But I digress, below is the recipe I used, or you can find it here.  A sweet friend of mine brought me this recipe when Penelope was one week old (along with a great book called Making More Milk and an SNS).  I also had some awesome friends bring me lacation cookies they made I so I didn't have to.   This is the perfect desert to add to a post partum dinner delivery!

Oh and if you are not in the mood to bake, I found this great site where you can order Lactation Cookies and they will ship them to you!

1 C brown sugar
1 C white sugar
1 C butter very softened
4 tbls water
2 eggs
1.5 tsp vanilla
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
2 C flour
3 C oatmeal
4 Tblsp flaxseed meal
2 Tblsp brewer's/nutritional yeast
1 cup chocolate chips, or raisins or chopped almonds, or all three!

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Cream sugars and butter. Then add eggs, vanilla, and beat well.
Add remaining ingredients. Mix well.
Form into 2" balls then flatten each ball onto a cookie sheet.
Bake 9-11 min or until edges are browned. Cool on cookie sheet.

Carnival of Nursing In Public Post: The First Time I Nursed in Public

Welcome to the July 2010 Carnival of Nursing in Public


This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Nursing in Public hosted by Dionna and Paige at NursingFreedom.org. All week, July 5-9, we will be featuring articles and posts about nursing in public ("NIP"). See the bottom of this post for more information.


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My nursing in public experience is a bit different than most breastfeeding moms I'm sure. My daughter was born with some physical problems that made nursing impossible for us. She had severe tongue tie and TMJ. On top of all that, she had a weak sucking reflex and I have flat nipples. It was like a perfect storm. I refused to give her formula. So I pumped. And pumped. And pumped. She is almost 8 months old now.

Even though I was pumping and giving her bottles, I did not give up on the possibility that she could at least comfort nurse, if not fully nurse one day. We did EVERYTHING! And finally at 5 months, she latched on and nursed to sleep. And we haven't looked back. She still prefers a bottle for a full feeding. But from me she gets snacks and comfort and I get to nurse her to sleep. I can not even describe in words how thankful I am to have those nursing moments with her.

The first time I nursed in public. I almost cried I was so happy. I have always wanted to be a mother and to nurse my baby, so to finally be able to nurse my baby like a normal mother was overwhelming. We were at a park with two of my friends and their babies. It had been a couple of weeks since Penelope started comfort nursing. She was fussy and tired, so I offered my breast. To my surprise she latched on and stayed latched on for several minutes. I had to stop talking and rock her a bit to keep her calm and focused, but still it was impressive, because normally if she is not nursing to sleep, she gets too distracted and frustrated that the milk is not flowing fast enough to stay latched on. It was a beautiful spring day, the weather was perfect. There were other moms with older kids running around near by. I am not sure if anyone looked at us, because I was entrained on Penelope. I was worried that she would pop off and expose my nipple to everyone, but I didn't really care. I was so happy to nurse in public, like a normal breastfeeding mother.

About a month after that experience, I nursed in a restaurant and again, I was nervous of the distractions and her popping on and off. I would never not nurse my baby in public because of my nervousness, and if anyone ever said anything to me, I have the type of personality, that I would give them a piece of mind and some. But because I know how people view breastfeeding in public, I do not whip out my boob as readily. I try to calm her another way first and only try to nurse as a last resort. If she was a better nurser, then maybe this wouldn't be my tactic, but because getting her to latch and stay latched is still a production, I prefer not to have to do it public.

Recently, I also nursed her at the beach. And even there, I felt self conscious and felt everyone eyes on me as they were staring at us. You would think that at the beach people are half naked, so who would care if you saw a bit more cleavage?

I so wish more people breastfed in general and that they nursed in public, uncovered, more often. To send the message to everyone, but especially young girls, that nursing is the way you are supposed to feed babies.








Welcome to the Carnival of Nursing in Public


Please join us all week, July 5-9, as we celebrate and support breastfeeding mothers. And visit NursingFreedom.org any time to connect with other breastfeeding supporters, learn more about your legal right to nurse in public, and read (and contribute!) articles about breastfeeding and N.I.P.


Do you support breastfeeding in public? Grab this badge for your blog or website to show your support and encourage others to educate themselves about the benefits of breastfeeding and the rights of breastfeeding mothers and children.

<center><a href="http://www.nursingfreedom.org/p/carnival-of-nursing-in-public.html" title="Carnival of Nursing in Public"><img src="http://www.babydustdiaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/inip1.png" alt="Art by Erika Hastings at http://mudspice.wordpress.com/" border="0"></a></center>

This post is just one of many being featured as part of the Carnival of Nursing in Public. Please visit our other writers each day of the Carnival. Click on the links below to see each day’s posts - new articles will be posted on the following days:

July 5 - Making Breastfeeding the Norm: Creating a Culture of Breastfeeding in a Hyper-Sexualized World

July 6 – Supporting Breastfeeding Mothers: the New, the Experienced, and the Mothers of More Than One Nursing Child

July 7 – Creating a Supportive Network: Your Stories and Celebrations of N.I.P.

July 8 – Breastfeeding: International and Religious Perspectives

July 9 – Your Legal Right to Nurse in Public, and How to Respond to Anyone Who Questions It

The Fanatical Breastfeeder: Part 2

I, surprisingly, was not mad or offended when she called me fanatical for choosing to breastfeed, because I could see straight through her. She told me she didn't breastfeed, so for her to mentally and emotionally acknowledge that a mother would rationally choose to breastfeed, because it is the superior health option, in her mind, that would some how mean that she was a bad mother. Note, I said in her mind. I do not think that mother's who bottle feed with formula are less of a mother than me. I do, however, know that breast milk is better than formula as far as nutrition goes. Its a simple fact these days, with so much research, its not even a question anymore. Breast milk is better than formula. Period. Formula is not poison, and its a perfectly acceptable substitution for breast milk. But it is not the same. It is second best. But this woman, obviously felt that breastfeeding women think they are better mothers than formula feeding women, and in response to that misunderstanding, she needed to put me down in order to make herself feel better. And under anger, is always sadness. So I felt bad for her, because somewhere deep inside her, she knows that breastfeeding is better for babies and she chose not to give her babies the better option out her own need for her life to be easier. She was not willing to sacrifice personal time or rest or whatever for the sake of her children's health.

Now, again, let me be very clear here, I have nothing against mothers who bottle feed with formula (I do have an issue with formula companies and how they go into third world countries, including the US, and make it very easy for women to give up on breastfeeding.) I know for a fact, that you can meet all an infants emotional needs through bottle feeding. I was a nanny, long before I was a mother, and I continue to bottle fed Penelope my breast milk because of our situation. I call it bottle nursing. Her cheek touches my breast, so she is getting skin to skin. I did not do this with Ava and Ella (the girls I was a nanny to for 3 years), but I always held them in a cradle position when they got their bottles, and looked into their eyes. And I wore them in a wrap or sling for large portions of the day, just like I do with Penelope and they got lots of eye contact and touch through yoga and massage. I would lay down and cuddle with Ava and Ella to get them to sleep, just like I do with Penelope (but I am nursing Penelope to sleep.) So I know mothers can be just as attached to their babies and babies can feel just as loved and comforted, even if they bottle feed.

But nursing is different. It almost like it takes bonding to the next level. Not only does it meet her needs, but it meets mine. Bottle nursing, left me out of the picture. My milk would let down, but it had no where to go, and it was not a pleasant feeling to be holding a baby, have breasts full of milk but not be able to do anything about it. I remember the second day Penelope started comfort nursing. The first day was actually stressful, because I was holding my breath and afraid to move, not wanting to mess up her groove. I was also stressed that is was just a fluke and she would go back to not wanting to latch the very next day. So the second day I had relaxed. We were laying down and she was nursing to sleep. I felt my milk let down and for the first time it had somewhere to go other than to stain my shirt. I felt her pick up her sucking and swallowing. I could actually feel my milk going into her mouth and then I pictured it going into her belly. It was like I was literally, physically, giving her all my love through my warm, perfect milk. I knew she felt perfectly loved and at peace, which I know she feels when she is bottle fed my milk, but this time so was I.

The Fanatical Breastfeeder: Part 1

 

I have to break this up into two posts, because the subject is just too big!

This week I have been on vacation in Atlantic Beach, near Jacksonville. Penelope has received lots of attention from the other guests. One woman, struck up a conversation with me by saying how beautiful Penelope was. She went on to say that the reason she was here at the hotel, was because her daughter-in-law had just given birth six days ago and they were visiting their new grand baby. Me, being me, I responded with: "Congratulations! How is Mama and baby doing? How is breastfeeding going?" To which she replies with: "Oh, breastfeeding has been a nightmare, she can't get the baby to latch and now she is pumping all day and all night, getting no rest and she is having a hard time with her supply." I say, "I am so sorry to hear that, I know exactly how she feels, I had to pump, and in fact, I still pump 3 times a day for Penelope even though she can comfort nurse now. I remember how tired I was and how I thought, I hate all those people who say sleep when the baby sleeps, because I never could, I was always pumping." She then says, "I just don't understand why she is putting herself through all that, my daughter recently had a baby as well and she is giving her baby formula and her life is so much easier." And I replied, very casually, with not a fanatical tone in my voice, "Oh, because breastfeeding so good for the babies, what it does for their health it makes it worth it." She then says, super nasty, "Yeah, that is what all you breastfeeders say, you all are so fanatical about it. Women in my generation (she was in her mid-fifties, I'd say) didn't breastfeed and our kids turned out fine." I didn't really process quick enough that she just called me fanatical for choosing to breastfeed, so I didn't give her the response I should have. I simply switched the subject and started talking about things her daughter-in-law could do to increase her supply and left it at that.

I have thought about this poor mom all day, hoping to run into her mother-in-law again so I could offer her my left over milk stash, since I don't have a freezer here and it will go to waste. I am so mad at myself for not thinking quick enough to offer it right then and there, then she would have really thought I was a fanatical breast feeder!

While I do consider myself pretty fanatical about my determination and dedication to keep pumping in order to give Penelope my breast milk. I choose to breast feed to give Penelope breast milk for its health benefits (and for bonding, but more about that in the next post). Health benefits, discovered by massive amount of scientific research. I made an educated and informed decision to breast feed, i.e. not a fanatical one. I also don't get in people's face about it. I like to vent and share my joys about my breastfeeding experience on Facebook, but I am not wildly waving my hands in the air and yelling on a street corner to get people to breastfeed. One of the reasons I was so sad that Penelope couldn't nurse at first, is because I was excited to nurse in public. It was going to be my quiet, peaceful demonstration to the world. Part of the reason I am who I am today, is because of the positive women/mama role models I have come across in the last 10 years, not fanatics in the least. Before I even became a Doula, I was dating a guy in college, who's older sister was a total AP, BF'ing, co-sleeping mama. I saw her quietly sling her baby and breastfeed on demand. I saw how peaceful she and her baby were. I made the decision then and there, not even 20 years old then, that I was going to mother like that. She was not fanatical. She was just going on about her business and being a mother. And yet she made a huge impact on me.

Sugar Snap Peas Baby Food

These are some super DELICIOUS sugar snap peas, from Turkey Hill Farm, that I got at the Lake Ella Farmer's Market the other week.

They were picked at the peak of their sweetness and they are oh so yummy. I got enough for me to munch on and to make some for Penelope. I once read about a New York chef, who introduced her babies to solid foods by offering only what was in season.

She figured that by doing it that way, she would always offer a food at their best possible taste and have a better chance of her child liking what she offered. It's a theory I would like to try as well, especially after I read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle last year.

















First, I de-vained the peas, and then I steamed them for just a couple of minutes, not very long at all. You could do this with raw peas too, you get more nutrition out the peas that way.  Next, I put them in my mini food processor and grinded them up good. I left lots of texture though.


















Then I added the secret ingredient...Breast Milk!! Mmm...look at all that yummy fat at the top! If you wondered why Penelope weighs 20 pounds at 5 months, this is why.

The finished product. I put one tablespoon into each ice cube section. My plan is to give these to her frozen in one of those mesh thingys. I thought it might be a soothing teething tool and great way for her to taste the food without choking. I am skipping the whole spoon-feed-pureed-baby-food and going straight to seeing what she can get in her mouth herself.

Mostly out of pure laziness, I do not want to spend lots of time making baby food and dealing with spoon feeding her. It's called Baby Led Weaning, because technically the moment you introduce solids you have begun the weaning process.